A hope to live, a desire to die.
The one who stood strong has no courage to face anything at all.
How did I lose it? Why did I lose it? When did I lose it? Am I now the madman?
I know it’s not too late, everything will be alright. But isn’t that what I’ve been telling myself all these years?
Apparently, men consider themselves as calories. They must be out of their mind, or maybe not. It’s true. Men are calories, so sweet that we have to work our ass off to shed them. No wonder, we women are so calorie conscious. O what a joy it is once we lose these calories.
Lesser the calories, greater the joy. More calories, more stress.
So go ahead men, consider yourselves as calories a.k.a the stress in our lives which we are so good at losing because when we get in shape, we no longer desire for calories in our life.
The fuck is situationship?
Heard of friends with benefits? Of course, you have. Well, no more. Now it is called situationship, for people who require a label.
A situationship is basically a ship in which you are friends, more than friends but definitely not lovers. Umm hello? Yes, yes it’s true. Who is ready for commitment? Not just this generation but every generation has the phobia of commitment. Hence, situationship. Fancy term to make it look sophisticated and classy so that no one gets offended or hurt.
Not a relationship but a situationship. You are friends. A little more than just friends. Avoiding falling in love with each other but there for each other. So, happy situationship!
In simple words if I should say, RUN.
An impulse of joy
An impulse of sadness
An impulse to die
An impulse to do something crazy.
Been there, done that
Seen it all.
Got my soul crushed,
Broke my heart
Healed enough to have it repeated from the top.
Solitude. Peace. Nothing else I need!
How do attachment styles work? What strikes your mind when you hear the word ‘attachment’? Considering your current situation, are you in a relationship or a situationship?
Life is full of questions, you many even find answers for a few of them but what about the rest? Do you find yourself getting distracted by things around you? Do thoughts in your head make it difficult to focus on a particular task? What helps you to focus on one thing at a time? How often do you find yourself seeking for a purpose to make your life meaningful?
To love or not to love
To hate the very thought of being with some one or believe that one day true love shall be found
To be or not to be
Lost in the thoughts of what the heart wants
Dragged into reality as the mind suggests
Mom has been unwell for sometime now so I had to cook for everyone. Today I made lentil soup or as we call it in India, Dal fry. Now I’m no expert in cooking but I can search for recipes and cook accordingly. So that’s what I ended up doing tonight.
The recipe said that I had to add lentils, tomato, green chillies and some water in a pressure cooker. I waited patiently for three whistles and found myself opening the pot to see that the lentil had been slightly burnt. I tried not to panic and was hoping that not much went bad. Luckily a few scrapes on the bottom of the pot and the rest was unharmed.
Indian cooking is mostly about tempering. As the name suggests, we had to fry the dal. I added some clarified butter instead of vegetable oil as it enhances the flavour of the food. Till the time I added the mustard seeds and cumin seeds, all was well. The moment I added curry leaves, whole red chillies and garlic to the pan, it started spluttering everywhere and I took the mitten to shield myself as if the kitchen were a war zone. It felt silly.
The moment all the spices stopped dancing, I mixed the lentils and gave it a quick stir. Few seconds later, bubbles started popping, spraying the lentils in random corners. I quickly added the water and covered the pan. After a few minutes, the lentil started boiling. The soup was ready and all it needed was a final touch of garnishing which was completed as I shoved some chopped coriander all over the soup.
Indian cooking requires a lot of effort and patience. The spices if not cooked well, leaves a raw taste on your tongue. The food if left unobserved even for a minute, will get burnt easily. Today’s learning from cooking- if the recipe says three whistles, count only two and if you see too much of chillies being added, cut down on that too, unless you prefer spicy food.
Life gives us so many opportunities to make things right but sometimes we fuck up unknowingly and it’s not our fault. We are just humans. Mortals that make mistakes every now and then. But do we try to correct our mistakes or do we look right through it and fall prey to the same mistake again?
To be a blessing or to feel cursed, it’s all in the head. When I’m laughing a lot, mom always says that I’ll end up crying. Apparently, it’s true, it happens; most of the times. But only because I let her words get into my head. There are days when I’m on my own, away from home; living life happily on my terms without a moment of doubt or fear. It’s strange how we link certain incidents of our life with myths and continue to believe in them.
Each day of our life is a new page, a new chapter where we decide how our day will be. To let others ruin it for us or to overcome all the drama and continue to do what we want to without fearing anyone; the choice is ours. Distractions will be everywhere. Do we have the determination to focus on what is more important or do we get swayed easily?
Sometimes I start overthinking, not because I want to but because one incident leads to another and I start wondering what happened or why it happened. It further leads to thinking on ways I could have avoided that particular incident or the solution to make things right. In short, no matter what the situation may be; once the mind starts thinking, it’s difficult to move onto something else till we’ve got a clarity. Mind can play such boggling games at times. It’s normal!
Every Sunday, I head out to a cafe where I order a cup of latte and work on my blog. Blogging with a view. A different cafe each week. To write in peace, with nothing clouding my thoughts. It’s difficult to pen down your thoughts when you got lots of things distracting you from concentrating. Focusing on a particular thought and giving it wings is my weekend routine.
Corporate life can get tiring which is why every weekend I must destress myself, away from everyone. My writings are based on real life experiences. It’s easy to express myself through words, they will never end. Life is a roller coaster ride and I’ve been riding it for the past twenty-eight years. It’s been a crazy ride but I’ve learnt that in order to survive you must pick yourself up every time you fall down.
Instead of falling and cribbing about it, I’ve always worked upon making things better. Every day teaches us a new lesson. What we learn from it is what truly matters. There is nothing wrong in accepting if one is wrong but playing the blame game can go wrong.
In order to live a healthy life, I’ve always followed a routine. My sleeping pattern was so messed up, there were days when I was awake for more than two days in a row. Now I stick to a schedule where I must get a minimum of six hours of sleep. Post waking up, I head to the gym, a place that helps me destress and get in shape. Fitness means a lot to me. Post workout, I am dragged back into the corporate world. And that is pretty much my routine check for the week. There are times when I end up working six days a week.
It feels so odd to sit idle and do no work. So I keep myself occupied. I workout six days a week. Every Sunday, I go for dance lessons and spend the rest of my day working on some articles and reading books.
What’s your routine check? Do you plan your day or just end up doing things whenever you feel like?
Get ready to be offended from the beginning itself because I do have much to praise about men.
This is to be duly noted that I do have exemptions, not all men are the same. Although that’s exactly the opposite of what I was going to pen down. So anyway, if you know me then you know absolutely where you stand.
Why this hatred towards men? Why the sign of distrust every time I see a man? If it weren’t for the men I’ve encountered, which I hope could be reversed but that’s impossible to ask, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. My childhood was spent mostly with family and studies. Friends were not easy to be made. In fact, having friends was just a dream. So by the time I was about to finish my schooling, like every girl, I had a crush (a crush that lasted for good twelve years) on a boy who had the sweetest smile and not to forget he was the tallest in the entire class. I never saw him mingling with girls, he was always with the boy gang and even though we never spoke to each other in our entire school life (from first grade till we graduated), I always had the hots for him. There were girls who were seen with guy A in summer and by the time it was winters, there was guy B; girls who changed their boyfriends more than they changed their clothes. For someone who had her eyes glued on one guy for twelve years, it came unsaid that I wanted the fairy tale life where I could spend my life with the one and only till forever lasted.
Fairy tale! I mean what the fuck was I even thinking? This is the real world, fairy tale do not exist out of the books that I read or the movies that I saw. In reality, everything is the opposite of what we are told when we are kids. Note to self: (if I ever have a kid) There will be no fairy tale bullshit, only the bitter and brutal truth of life; the way it is.
Now before I get distracted and take a total detour, back to men! O men! I had my so-called first boyfriend when I was in school. At that time, there was no Facebook or Instagram, there was a social site called Orkut. A friend of someone I knew had reached out to me. We started talking. Until one day, we decided to be just more than friends. I stayed in Delhi, he stayed in NCR. More than a decade back, the distance between our homes felt like living across two different cities. Our so called long distance relationship didn’t work. Though it lasted for a long time but we hardly met. It ended with him cheating on me, which is something I figured on my own, led to me walking out of the disaster quietly. Had he any good intention, he would have reached out to me but he was an asshole, and I’m glad that I did not confront him. Was I hurt? Yes. Did it push me into a zone where I hated being around men? Not really. But did it make me think more than twice when a guy approached me? Abso-fuckin-lutely!
I spent most of my time on my own, lost in my thoughts, reading books or listening to music. I started working right after my boards got over. I had this curiosity, the urge to explore the corporate world, the working life! Little did I know, that the world outside of the school walls and outside of the walls of my house, was a terrifying illusion. There was so much of drama in the real world that no movie or series could match its craziness. I made a really nice friend from the first organisation where I worked. The organisation was as crappy as it could be. The next boy I came across was a brother of this friend of mine. I remember spending time with him every single day of my first year in college. What happened with him? After going out for movies and dates and working together, he ended up cheating on me. The biggest mistake I ever made was to forgive him when he apologised because he ended up cheating on me again. He didn’t even have the balls to own up what he did yet had the audacity to tell me that he didn’t know why he cheated on me. The audacity boys have, to date more than one woman at a time and act as if everything is normal, makes the anger boil within me. Boys treat girls as their play toys. It makes me cringe when I see something like this happen in front of me, imagine what I went through when the shit happened with me!
I decided that I wasn’t going to let this happen to me again. Once I ended things with him, I joined my current organisation. Did guys approach me? Yes, they did. Was I going to sway away? I made sure that I didn’t. For quite sometime, I focused on my work and stayed away from mingling with boys. No dating, no commitments. People around me were going out for dates, I kept myself occupied with work. I made friends, a lot of them. Mostly boys, almost all of them. Being around them did not make me uncomfortable. I started observing how each one of them behaved. Analysed their behaviour, the meaning behind what they said and what it meant. I didn’t take much time to understand men. Like I said earlier, not all men are same but not everyone is a saint. It was a rule of mine that I wouldn’t date men from office.
One odd day after talking with my friends about my past, I was encouraged to give dating another try. I joined a dating app; took time to find a match that was worth my time, only to realise that there is nothing more horrifying than a dating site. All the freakshows are available on this app. Finally, I found a guy with whom I could have a decent conversation. It just took me one month to figure out that this guy was not ‘in his right state of mind’ and had no clue why he started talking to me. O men, omen of my life!
You know what’s the worst thing that can happen to a person trying to heal? To get hurt, again. Just when I gathered myself and tried to move forward on a positive term, I realised this was going to turn into a fucking pattern where I’ll keep trying to find the right person only to end up getting kicked back into a zone that was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Not just this, I so happened to break the rule of dating men from office and ended up with a guy who called it off after a month or two just because he did not like my aura. The fucking nerves that guys have to play the blame game to avoid accepting their own mistake. I had no feelings for this guy post his pathetic comments. It was easy to hate him given the circumstances where he tried to flirt around with my closest friend who had just got married. To hurt me and to mess with my people, these are two grave mistakes that I cannot tolerate.
I moved on, concentrating on my work. Focused more than ever since I started working on something that had all my attention I could ever give anyone. It wasn’t long before someone else had caught my attention. In this blog, I will not talk much about him because no matter things didn’t work between us but he holds a special place in my heart even today. If you’re reading this Turtle, then you know I’m talking about you. I wish I could hate you (not that I didn’t try) but I have truly loved you and I always will. A relationship that had no name. A friendship that still remains. We don’t talk anymore yet I miss you every single day.
I did not want to get over my memories with Turtle but I had to find a rebound before I fell into a depressed state. Did it hurt when things didn’t workout with Turtle? Did it hurt when it happened twice? Why did I continue to love him? Why can’t I bring myself to hate him? Why do I still long to meet him one day? It’s just a pile of questions that will never be answered. It took me quite some time to recover from the fact that the man I so deeply cared and loved was no longer a part of my life. Out of all the boys so far, he was the first one whom I called upon as ‘my man’. C’est la vie and so I moved on.
I ended up dating two guys, it was never serious with either one of them, for they too were complete douchebags. I wondered if it was the men I chose or the men that were attracted towards me, who were absolute dipshits.
I’m at a point in my life where I have given up on men. Maybe it’s because of my experience or maybe I’ve realised that almost all men are bound to hurt you. The worst thing about a man is when he cannot take a stand and fails to admit his own mistake. Even worse is when they hurt you and act like it was never their fault. And what’s more worse than that? Girls like myself, who have only longed to be loved and cared for, end up hating the opposite sex for their lack of maturity. Trusting a person becomes impossible.
I understand this blog isn’t very pleasant but that’s my experience with men in short. I was told that I must try to to add something positive to my writings and not always let it be filled with negativity. So here’s to looking forward for a day in my life when I’ll finally find the one and only who won’t let me down, who’ll be willing to love me at my worst and tolerate my craziness. Here’s to hoping that one day everything will be just the way I wanted it to be. To not losing out on hope, to keeping an open mind and killing the negativity one step at a time.
Concluding with a quote from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, “It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
Life - The Way It Is